Do These Scare You? Should They?

Heard about this thing called the Blasphemy Challenge on the news. Basically people are being challenged to deny the Holy Spirit since Mark 3:29 says that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven. I'm torn between sorrow and laughter...it's sad that so many people have been hurt by other people who call themselves Christians and I feel bad. On the other hand, why waste your time denying something you don't even believe in? I don't believe in aliens but I'm not making videos saying so. So, watch and let me know what you think.....





So, what's your reaction?? What are believers in Jesus Christ doing wrong? How can we do a better job?

Working on our next series coming up in a couple of weeks and we're going to be doing some man-on-the-street interviews asking people about their basic beliefs when it comes to the Bible, God, Jesus, Heaven/Hell, etc. Should be a real interesting experiment of engaging with people in the community and tying it in with the church. I'm hoping that just by asking the questions and actually listening to some of the answers that we'll be able to engage in a longer conversation with some of these people. And that's actually the kind of church we want to be...one where it's safe to ask questions...and one where people can find real answers for real life.

Casual or Comfortable?

I heard a radio ad for a church the other day and something stuck out that I hadn't caught before but really got me thinking. I heard the regular stuff like "contemporary music" (whatever that really is) and "exciting atmosphere" but then I heard something that for the first time made me uncomfortable..."casual dress". Now if you've ever been to our website or a church service you know we're not about getting all "dressed up" so I'm not going there with this. I don't have any problem with casual dress per se. It's just when I heard it, I thought about it and decided I don't like the term "casual".

There's already enough "casual" happening in church and Chrisitianity, especially in the western world. Too many people go to church only if they feel like it, participate when they want, give if they can and ditch church, beliefs or boldness if it might negatively affect their image or options to do something "better." We've got casual Christians who complain when things aren't 'just right' for them - whether it's the music, the times, the events, studies, groups, etc. When pastors challenge people to simply OBEY God's word when it comes to priorities, marriage, finances or any other moral or practical area - a lot of people treat it as optional. Let me tell you, obedience is not optional! When we treat it like that, it's the epitome of taking our faith in a casual manner.

At first, I thought "comfortable" would be a better word. Wear comfortable clothes...for some that might be a suit, tie, dress and others, jeans or shorts and flip-flops. Just be comfortable instead of only casual (which could be akin to reverse discrimination when somebody wearing 'church clothes' shows up) And it's only clothes we're talking about, but applied to our faith, we're not supposed to be looking for "comfortable." We're supposed to be looking for God.

All in all, I'm not sure it matters, but it sure got me thinking.

Organized? Yeah, right.

My parents were here this weekend and left yesterday. Had a good time with them and they got to go to church with me and listen to me speak. We played some cards and other games, and they got to play with the kids...relaxing and fun. But now it's back to work and I've been trying to get my life back in order.

Actually, I've been trying to get my PDA back in order. I used to use it a lot and then when I moved here and started working from home and wasn't running all over the place as much, I found myself not using it like before...didn't jot down tasks and notes, filed calendar dates in my head instead of in my PDA and didn't track stuff the same. And now that I've got a vehicle where the odometer works I can actually track my mileage and get reimbursed (since I'm doing a little more running around nowadays anyhow) I'm trying out a new mileage tracker too. All that means I've got to get everything up to speed. Put stuff in the computer (not just my head) so it can sync up with my PDA, get my software back on there, and other stuff you don't care about. Now that it's almost 5:30, I'm about done.

Why is it that getting or staying organized seems like so much work? I'm not an administrative person although I strive to get somewhat organized. The fact that my wife can clean up my desk but putting everything in a big box and she's cleaning out and organizing MY clothes in our closet probably doesn't help me make my case. What can I say, I'm a pile person. I usually know which pile and how far into it something is. That's only difference bewtween me and a "real" organized person is one letter. They "F"ile and I "P"ile. But I'm still trying.

What A Morning

Just needed to post and say what a great service we had today. I've heard some pretty amazing stuff in just the few hours since...people are really trying to follow God's leading and direction and that includes with their finances. Besides, it's not everyday you can walk in to church with a $10 and trade up for a $100 bill!! Now next week won't be exactly the same, but I will say that it will be worth showing up.

What Makes A Difference

Getting ready for the next message in our series In The ZONE and I'm excited about some of things we've got planned. Can't really say too much without giving it away, but will say that over the next couple of weeks I'm really going to be "investing" in people. Part of me worries about how it will all work and the other part is just excited to try...all part of being a new church and trying to communicate biblical truths in relevant ways.

On a totally different note, I am still really excited about what happened yesterday morning. Since we did our Just Lust series back in October, a group of guys have been meeting Thursday mornings going through the book Every Man's Battle and it's been a good experience. We were talking about how it might be good for our wives to have something similar. Well - after a little coaxing, Lora agreed to lead a study called, appropriately enough, Every Woman's Battle. They started yesterday and were meeting at 6AM like the guys, but that's not the cool part. The best part is that before the weekend, only two ladies had expressed interest, after all, 6AM is really early and who wants to talk about personal sexual and emotional issues anyway? Well, Lora challenged everyone on Sunday, and ended up with 12 signed up. But when she got to where they were meeting they had 18! That's huge for where we're at as a church and for a bunch of women meeting at six o'clock in the morning (many who had to go from the study to work). There were 2 from the list that weren't there and another three that didn't make it the first week. So all told, they might have 23 women meeting together at 6AM Wednesday mornings! Wow.

Talking about money - management vs ownership, tithing, materialism, debt, etc and purity issues makes me wonder what motivates people to take action in those areas. Why are nearly 2 dozen mostly married women willing to meet at 6AM and what will motivate people to start following biblical principles for money management? I think the answer is hope. Hope that they might find, receive or experience something that's not part of their life right now. Ultimately I think that's what motivates people to follow Jesus too. Hope. Hope that following him will make a difference. And let me just tell you....it will.

Da Da

Whoa! She said it. She said it!! Hannah just looked at me and said "DaDa." I'd forgotten what a great feeling that is. Her eyes just lit up and it's the cutest thing...only kid of ours to do this....she actually sticks her tongue up and almost out of her mouth to make the "da" sound. Do you know how absolutely adorable a little baby's tongue is?!?!?!?

And in those two syllables, she said so much more. She just told me that she trusts me, that she needs me and that she wants me to help her grow into the woman God made her to be. She told me to protect her, to love her and to make her feel like the princess she is. She even told me to get ready for when she asks for stuff and to go out with her friends and if it's ok to go out with a boy. I heard all of that and more when she said, "DaDa."

Interactive Worship

I read an article the other day and it was talking about the pro's and con's of where we're at with technology and how we use it in our worship services. One small comment about using interactive technology in worship got me thinking (and maybe this is already happening some places. I don't know). Wouldn't it be good to allow people to respond during worship, and participate in worship, using their PDA's, cell phones or even laptops to comment and process what's happening?

Here's what I'm picturing. On one screen we see the "topic". Maybe it's a question to answer or a thought to reflect on. Participants would post thoughts and responses, live during the service, using their cell phone, Blackberry, PDA or other electronic gadget. All the posts and comments would go to the worship "instant messenger" or forum and be displayed as a response to God and what he's doing, teaching, challenging people to do, think or change.

Of course the danger would be misuse. Maybe there could be a seven second delay that goes through a moderator first (like with "live" tv). It could also easily become a gimmick, rather than an outlet of expression and way to participate and expand the worship experience. But I think with some thought to form and function, it would add something. Afterall, a lot of people are comfortable communicating like this as evidenced by the number of people who IM, chat and post on forums or comment on blogs.

So, has anyone seen this type of thing being done? How would you set it up? What do you see it adding to the worship experience? What potential dangers do you see?

Great Weekend

Finally have a chance to sit down at my computer and share what a great service we had on Sunday. It was like launch time again. The place was filling up, the energy level was high, and the response has been good. Almost 130 people were with us on Sunday! I've got to say it's great to be seeing more new faces again. Maybe it's that the holidays are over or something...whatever it was, it was encouraging.

And then, starting a series about the often ignored topic of finances and stewardship, I have to say people responded well. I guess helping people understand the difference between ownership and stewardship hit home with some. Even had one person stop by the house an hour or so after church because they wanted to tithe! Good stuff.

Just to recap, God is a generous God. He wants to bless us. To be "blessed" means to "be on the receiving end of the tangible and intangible favor of God" We need to be blessable and the only way to do that is to be in the ZONE (where we're being obedient to Christ). When we're in the ZONE, God (the Bless-or) turns us into the Bless-ed so we can become a Bless-ing to others. Many people are not in the ZONE because they live in the land of -ing where they spend their time and energy on own-ing, earn-ing, hous-ing, cloth-ing, bling bl-ing, etc and then think the more the better. But when we move into the ZONE, God adds His "bless" to our -ing. That's just good stuff. (and it's not original...it's from a series Ed Young did). If you want, check out the podcast...it should be up by Wed.

Thinking Out Loud

More marriage stories were told today and I still can't figure out why it's for some people it's so darn easy to just throw in the towel. But there's something I've thought of that might help stem the tide of marital mess-ups. Don't know what to call it, but it's basically a recovery center where men who are willing to work on their marriages would move into for a term (6 months - year). While they were there, they'd live rent free so the temporary separation wouldn't be a financial burden and add to whatever problems already exist in the marriage. Everyone would meet with a personal mentor/coach throughout their stay as well as spending some time going through personal counseling to work on their own issues. After a few months, joint counseling would be provided so the husband and wife can work together on their issues with the ultimate goal being the restoration of their marriage and a reconciled relationship. That's it in a nutshell.

Would it work? Only if the guys there were willing to work themselves. Like I said yesterday, marriage is just plain hard work - no way around it. It's just so frustrating to hear different people (both men and women) saying that they're getting a divorce. What a bunch of self-centered, whiny quitters! Some might say, but my husband's cheating on me....or....my wife only spends time with the kids and my money, but doesn't give a rip about me and you may be right. But let's be honest...nobody held a gun to your head when you said "I do" and this is just that "worse" part of "for better or worse".

I'm not saying divorce is never warranted, but it shouldn't be used so often or so easily. And I'm certainly not saying that if you've been divorced, you're a loser. I am however saying that almost always, divorce is the easier way out and nobody said marriage or life was supposed to be easy.

Hard Work

Let me just say right up front that marriage is hard work. I know, not just because I'm married, but because I get to hear story after story of couples who are having marriage problems. But it's more than that. The reason I know it's hard work is because for the vast majority of these couples, that's all it would take to not just improve their marriages, but to thrive in them. I honestly believe that.

So let me offer a little advice, not from a guy who's done working, but from a guy who has plenty of work left to do (which is part of what inspired this post)

• Love is expressed in many different ways and just because you think you're communicating love to your spouse, doesn't mean they're hearing that message. Learn your spouse's love language and speak it fluently.
  
• Nobody can read your mind. If you haven't spoken it out loud, assume they have no idea what you're thinking, what bothers you, what you'd like or don't like. It's simple communication, but words work best.
  
• It doesn't matter if you "don't want to." For that matter, they "don't want to" have to tell you something for the 16 bazillionth time. Nobody wants to do the hard work...it's part of our sin nature, we're naturally lazy when it comes to things we "don't want to" do. Get over it. Nothing will change if you don't work at it and the fact that you "don't want to" is a far cry from not being able to.
  
• Once is never enough. Just because you got it right once doesn't mean anything. Consistent effort over time is what matters. Wow, you brought her flowers - once. Great, you went to a NASCAR race with him. Congratulations. But make it your habit to put your spouse and their needs above yours. If you've got a problem with that, see the point right before this.
  
• How your spouse acts, speaks, behaves is not an excuse. At the end of your life, God's not going to ask you "how did your spouse act?" And He's not going to be as understanding as the friend you dump on when your wife's being a pill or your husband's being a bum. He's going to want to know if you were obedient. Husband - did you love your wife like Christ loved the church? Wife - did you respect your husband? Now answer those questions in the present tense and stop looking for circumstantial excuses or someone to blame.
  
• Pray together. It's really hard to be mad or in a wrong state of mind when you pray together. Husbands need to take the lead on this one. Sure it's tough to start if you haven't done it often or regularly before, but what makes you think it's supposed to be easy? Remember, marriage is hard work. So instead of trying to do all that hard work on your own, enlist the help of God himself to change you and your spouse. If he made the world, he can certainly fix your wife's attitude or your husband's irresponsibility.

I'm sure I could go on, but those are where I'm at now. Maybe I'll add to it later. Would love to hear some feedback on it. I really just can't stand it when people bail out on their marriage because "it's just too hard" or "nothing changes". If nothing changes, stop and consider that maybe you haven't changed either . . . . and that just might be because you don't like hard work.

Clumsilina

I can't hold back any longer. I've come to grips with it and am willing to admit it publically, my daughter is just plain clumsy. In fact, she's so clumsy I actually find it humorous. She was jumping on the bed this morning, got to close to the edge and one foot missed so she bounced off the bed. She can be running across a room and trip on an invisible line. She can try to sit on something and just flat out miss and land on her bottom. She bumps her head, skins her knees, has bruises all over her legs from the things she runs into. She walked right into the wall because she missed the doorway not too long ago. I guess it wasn't big enough at three feet across. Now, she is smart as a whip, but clumsy as an ox....at least at this stage of her little life. That's why I'm calling her by her new nickname...Clumsilina.

Terrible

I check the local news before heading out to set up church this morning and find out that more than one other local church was on fire last night. One church, The Memorial Baptist Church, sounds like it sustained a lot of damage and was a 3 or four alarm fire and there were at least two others that had similar problems that the fire department was able to put out with minimal damage, while a few more were broken into.

If we're going to be a church that connects with people who don't like church, we've got our work cut out for us....but we don't change hearts...God does. My prayer is that whoever did this (I'm making an assumption, but it seems well founded since it's so far beyond the scope of coincidence) my prayer is that the people of Christ would love with actions the people of this area and save our words for people who ask why we're doing what we do.

Disappointed...

Here it is just after 5PM on Friday and I've been looking forward to taking some more people from Discovery out to the homeless shelter for our Second Saturday Service. Well, I called in to check on how many people were staying there - like I was told to, and finally got a call back saying they didn't need us to serve lunch, and they didn't even want us to clean and fix up stuff around there -like the food pantry some folks organized last time and noticed has food that's been expired almost 2 years. I offered to clean that out, clean up outside, general maintainence or whatever is needed, but they didn't need us. I'm a little disappointed, but excited about the opportunity to challenge the people to do something a little less predictable - like washing cars, returning shopping carts, loading groceries, giving out donuts at drive throughs to the emplyees inside, picking up dog doo or unloading people's trash at the local dump. We'll see how far we can push...this is an 'entry level' commitment, but hey, service is service and small acts done with great love really will change the world - or at least this community.

What's The Point Of Church Anyhow?

I've been thinking a lot about how our future directions, opportunities and challenges play out in individual lives. After having lunch yesterday with a man I respect, I was asking a lot of questions, particularly in regard to how the church relates to people. I so badly want to see this thing I'm doing succeed...planting Discovery Church. But when I think about what makes up the church, any church, it's the people in it. Sure it's simple, but I had a little moment when I realized that I was spending too much time and energy on the systems of the church - the administration, plans for follow up and assimilation, for starting and multiplying outlets, for creating environments or marketing ourselves. None of those are necessarily bad, but what's better is the people...and I'd limited myself, restricted, removed and partially ignored the needs of the people. Shame on me.

The pressing question is what do you do with this information? How does it apply? Like this. The reason Discovery Church exists is to help people "discover real answers for real life" which then lead to real opportunities. Opportunities to help others discover real answers for real life. Opportunities to meet a need. This church exists to build people up...and my job is to equip them not with knowledge alone, but motivation to put that knowledge into practice.

People, myself included, are takers by nature. We're me first people. So when people look for a church, we look for one that meets our needs - like the music, good nursery, great student ministry, kids like it because it has a cool kids thing going, convenient location, or whatever. Very few people looking for a church pick one based on what it does for others. Sure, it's great if a church has helped other people, but ultimately most people are looking for the church to do something for them - at least "church shoppers" and "church hoppers" are like that.

The lost community around us on the other hand is different. All they're looking for is someone who genuinely cares. I just saw a commercial today that reinforces my conclusion. Kleenex has started a new marketing campaign where they take a blue couch, coffee table with some Kleenex on it and a guy in a chair who really cares and stick it in the middle of somewhere...sidewalk, downtown area, etc. They invite people to sit down and just 'let it out'. It's their let it out campaign. Just watch a few of the clips and ask yourself why total strangers are sitting in the middle of the sidewalk on a bright blue couch sharing stories, laughing, crying, bearing their souls. I'll tell you why. People, church people, lost people, people like me and you - we just want to know that someone cares and here's the issue....for way too long, the church has been trying to tell people that God cares about them while doing next to nothing to show those same people that they care. That's like me telling my kids "at least your mother loves you" before they go to bed each night but never telling them I love them. Why would they even want to listen to me?

I'm committed to changing that. I've already messed up, missed chances and run people off I'm sure. Still, I will do what I can to let people know that I care, that Discovery Church cares, but I will also push, provoke and remind people who decide to partner up with DC that it's not about us and it's not about you..... it's about others.

Is It Finally Winter?

First off, I'm really not a morning person so 5:30 is a bit too early for me, but throw in that just a few days ago it was almost 50 degrees warmer and I'm really not excited about going outside. It's 27 degrees and for a guy from Minnesota, that should be absolutely no big deal...it's still 30-40 degrees warmer than what I grew up in. But my now sissified body thinks it's freezing (and technically it is). No my nose hairs won't freeze in my nostrils and there's no snow to crunch under my feet, but, well...is it finally winter here?

I Think I'm A Geek

I like technology. I like gadgets and all the technological stuff out there even though I have limited myself greatly in acquiring it (more like the budget has limited me, but sounds better the other way) After yesterday, I think I'm officially a geek. Have you seen the new phone Apple will be putting out in June?

They announced the iPhone yesterday along with a media box that allows you to play media content from your computer wirelessly on your TV (iTunes will make hundreds of movies available for download). But back to the phone. Sleek and sexy like the iPod. Huge clear screen. No stylus - you just use your finger for everything from selecting to typing to surfing the internet. It's basically a widescreen iPod that plays music, functions as a phone and connects with the internet. Sounds like Cingular gets it first so who knows how long before other providers get it, but I checked it out and left the site thinking...I want one of those. Yep, I'm officially a geek. I think Claude's rubbing off on me.

So Much For Up-To-Date

Yesterday I got to sit with about 60 or so other pastors and participate in a video conference call with Steve Sjogren. I planned on updating what I was being challenged with, but that obviously didn't happen (no excuses, although I have some). Anyhow, what I thought was great was Steve's obvious passion for simply serving people outside the church instead of stuffing them full inside the church. Ed Young did a series called The Table where the basic premise is that the church is a table where people come to get fed. But he cautioned against gluttony and fat and ineffective christianity where people refuse to push away from the table. They'd rather eat and eat and eat instead of go out and invite others to the table and then help to serve them. Well, Steve is all about making people hungry and thirsty for the life-giving truth of Christ.

I was challenged to realize that I spend a bit too much time with my computer, notes and yes, even my Bible and not enough time with people. People that God loves and died for. People who just want someone to care - genuinely without expecting anything in return. Another interesting point that was brought out was that a lot of churches and pastors spend a lot of time talking about the teachings of Paul (practical how-to stuff) but forget or at best spend less time talking about what Jesus said (simple calls to action - you either do it or you don't). I see what he was saying. Share what Paul says about living the "Christian" life, and we know that we should exercise our spiritual gifts, demonstrate the fruit of the spirit and be careful not to be a "stumbling block".

Jesus simply said, love God a lot (with all your heart, mind, soul and strength) and love your neighbor like yourself. Face it, if we don't really love God or love others, does it really matter if we use our gift of leadership or mercy or hospitality in the church? Does it really matter if we're gentle, self-controlled and so good that nobody could be offended by our behavior - if we have a shallow, weak, decaying relationship with our God? Heck no...we become like the pharisees... white-washed tombs that look good on the outside but inside are just dead.

I'm always a 'how-to' guy. Just give me the steps and we'll go, get it done and implement whatever change. The problem I'm seeing is that the change needs to start in my heart. As much as I say I love people, I'm not out really showing that love in practical and simple ways that demonstrate the love of Jesus. Happens sometimes, sure, but it's not my lifestyle and habit and I have to ask why? I've come to the conclusion that 1) I'm still scared of being rejected so I retreat to my comfort zone and 2) it's how I've been raised and taught - nice acts are events, they're not a lifestyle. Serving has been a program - a few hours here or there, not a value where opportunities are sought out, identified and acted on. Something's got to change and I was politely reminded of that yesterday.

Steve Sjogren

I'm sitting here in Burlington, NC at Integrity Community Church about ready to hear from Steve Sjogren...author of Conspiracy of Kindness and pioneer of servant evangelism via a video teleconference. Really looking forward to hearing from him and getting some new and fresh insights and ideas for reaching out in the community. Keep you posted

Show Me The ROPES

I was also reflecting on something I stumbled across a few years ago when I was sitting down with a young man who's father had invited some men to offer our wisdom in a "right of passage" type gathering when this young man turned 16. I noticed that as each one of the men invited shared what they'd written and reflected on, there were some common themes that came out. I wrote them on a napkin and mulled them over for a few days, shared it with these guys and have been noticing that these are real life themes.

To help me remember, I renamed and organized these five things into an acrostic. I call it the ROPES. These are the important things in life, the things that we can grab hold of and trust. Get these things right and life goes well. Have issues in any one or more of these areas, and you'll inevitably have problems.

Relationships - all of life is about relationships. We're most happy when our relationships (work, school, family, friends) are in sync. You can't go wrong when you invest time and energy in productive relationships.
Obedience - This is simple black and white living. It's where comparisons to others don't matter and even excellence doesn't matter (since ultimately it's based on how you measure up when compared to others). What matters is whether or not we're being obedient - first to Christ, and then to people in authority.
Priorities - when they're in order, life goes better, but when they're messed up...well, so is everything else. Priorities...God, family, work.
Expectations - ever been disappointed when things didn't turn out how you expected...it's probably because you didn't leave room for change and variation...in other words, you had unrealistic expectations. We all expect things, but we need to be willing to productively deal with the curves life throws at is whether big or small
Stewardship - if we understood that we don't really own anything but God has entrusted us with management of it (kids, cars, time, homes, jobs, finances, etc) we'd be much better off and probably make better decisions. We'd have less debt, more time and be healthier. Got time, money or health problems...I'd bet you haven't been a good steward of what you've been given.

Those are the ROPES and the question is will you live by them or hang yourself with them?

Happily Ever After

Marriage is work. Anybody who doesn't know that has lived a sheltered life, or seen so much divorce and disfunction in their life that they figure nobody works on their marriage...they just bail out when it gets tough. And that does seem to be the most common response - leave, get divorced and start over, maybe it will work the next time. For some, they beat the odds and find "happiness" in a second or third marriage, but for the majority, they either settle for 'good enough' or never settle again, moving from one failed attempt to another. Why is that? I'm not saying divorce is never an option (although that's a different discussion), but it's always the least desirable one and something God hates.

I've always thought (well, at least in the last 10 years) that dating in elementary school (yes it happens), middle school, high school and maybe even college was a bad idea. The school years are a training ground, and what are those who date training themselves to do? To QUIT when it's tough. One person in the couple says something the other doesn't like....then kick 'em to the curb. One 'partner' finds somebody else more interesting (cute, exciting, whatever) and decides to move on. A couple constantly argues about silly stuff and decides it's "just not working out" as if they have no part to play in the whole mess. Some are better off then others, moving through a series of serial monogamy and having just one at a time, while others hook up with multiple people like trying clothes on and see which one fits best. Either way, it sets in place bad habits for marriage.

When I was a student pastor, I asked kids three questions to see if they were ready for dating (since dating is really about finding a spouse, not just a buddy for a good time)
1) Are you ready to be married?
(if not, why date? you don't intend on sticking around anyway)

2) Are you ready to have kids?
(too many people think of sex as entertainment or something to do on a date - HELLO - what if you get pregnant? Not to mention missing out on God's design for good sex)

3) Are you ready and able to... (for men) support a family or (for women) stay home and raise a family?
(somebody needs to pay the bills and when kids come, somebody needs to take care of them and train them and it's not the daycare, government, school or churches ultimate responsibility - it's the parents)

I've heard plenty of people (teens and parents alike) grumble about this being old-fashioned and unrealistic, but I simply disagree. I can't think of any good reason to date if you can't answer these questions in the affirmative. I believe that any skill, ability or social benefit that may be gained by dating could easily be picked up in other more healthy situations.

So sure, marriage is work, but the work starts well before we ever say "I do." It starts with the parents teaching and modeling for their kids the value of commitment, hard work and self-control. If that's done, there'll be a better chance of a successful marriage and living happily ever after.

A Different Kind Of Horror

It is now a little past 4 PM and I haven't hardly moved. My wife insists I remain practically motionless and after hearing a few of the horror stories she shared about what happened to guys who "just couldn't sit still" I decided to stay still. After all, I didn't need bad bruising, more pain, infection or grapefruit sized problems like in the stories I'd heard.

But there's a different kind of horror happening. I'm sick of sitting, I'm sick of my new icy cold best friends, and I'm terrified about what I'll do when Notre Dame plays tonight and the Sugar Bowl gets exciting....I'll have to move, get up, pace, jump or otherwise move...but at what price? Do I dare risk it? I'll let you know.

The Deed Is Done

The coundown is finished. Yesterday I had breakfast, did a little work, ran a staff meeting, grabbed lunch and then headed off to the "death chamber" otherwise known as the urologist's office. My lovely and supportive wife came along because they told me I couldn't drive home afterwards and who was I to question the doctor's orders? Lora couldn't stop snickering, recalling all the times when her "private world" had been invaded by doctors and babies and I'd been there smiling and holding her hand. This was going to be a marriage milemarker.

We waited in the lobby - which was empty except for one other person - and I cringed every time the doors to the examine rooms opened, only to reveal patients who were leaving. This went on for almost 40 minutes, Lora giggling and me trying to play this off as no big deal, but feeling like the end was all too near.

Finally I got called back and decided to let Lora join me since it was only a 10 minute procedure and I figured it was the least I could do. On the way back she comments that she won't be like me who always asked "Can I watch?" and then quizzed the doctor about whatever was happening (that's the way I ended up being allowed to actually deliver two of our five kids!). In the room I dropped my drawers, threw on the paper towel they kindly provided 'for my comfort' and waited for the dreaded doctor. He walks in and the first thing Lora says is "Can I watch?" Hilarious.

I didn't know they had stirrups, but they did. So the Dr. starts cracking jokes like "well they didn't give me any numbing medicine so I'll have to do it without it" and "Is this your first time doing this? Mine too." I am starting to understand how my wife has felt so many times before as I slide into position - legs mounted up in the stirrups and all the glory of "man land" displayed to some funny guy I've met once who has a knife that he's about to use on me! So he starts, Lora stands up to watch and starts asking questions..."what's that?" and "that's it huh?" Funny man asks if she'd like to "cut the cord" and I immediately sense the irony and know what her answer is going to be. Yes, we're going to 'share' this experience and participate in it together...how lovely, how romantic......how strange.

The Dr. hands my nurse wife the scissors and simply says, "Cut here." And it's over. The Dr. comments that what he just witnessed (and I experienced first hand!) was a first for him. My wife is smiling, feeling a vicarious sense of accomplishment and she comforts me as I begin to sob at all I've lost. Not really. But seriously, the doctor stitches me up, tells me to sit up, explains the after care and allows me to get dressed. I feel violated and like everybody knows what's just happened as we walk to the front desk to pay the co-pay. I also feel like a dog leaving with his tail between his legs. I feel strange, but honestly glad that my wife is there with me. We leave, fill my prescription for Tylenol with codeine and go home to my new best friends...ice packs and frozen peas. Oh, the things we do for love.

Countdown

Well, the countdown to the new year is finished (my family and I prayed in the new year with a couple dozen other people from church...really enjoyed it) but now there's a new countdown. And this countdown is under eight hours. In less than eight hours "man land" will be invaded and there are guaranteed casualties. Ok, no more speaking in code....today is "V-day" and also the day I officially join the "V club"...I can't bring myself to type it....agggghhhh....I'm having my vasectomy today.

Honestly, I'm a little nervous. I know it's no big deal, but the thought of...well, you know....if you're a guy you really know. Enough though...I will not think of it anymore for the next few hours. My little friends in "man land" probably feel a little like Saddam did. They know it's coming, and there's nothing that can be done about it.